Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family Archives ⋆ Cathy Cress

4 Dysfunctional Family Markers Clinicians Face

August 2, 2023

The normal family is the hand grenade compared to the nuclear bomb of the dysfunctional family

When both are faced with a filial crisis of aging parents being dependent and the adult child needs to take over they cower or explode.

How Do You Know a Dysfunctional Family

1. They lack the ability to resolve conflicts

The dysfunctional family has frequent psycho-social blockages that prevent the family from growing emotionally. They fail miserably at moving through all family stages and orchestrating family rituals. The adult children both love and hate their parents

2. They Cannot make Life transitions

In each dysfunctional family most life transitions in the family, like birth, adolescence, and marriage have been very difficult to make, marked by a lack of support from the parents. Every holiday, family reunion, funeral any family gathering might be drunkenly ruined. The parental figures are usually not in charge, nurturing, or able to establish establishes clear rules. They have never created an Excel spreadsheet on tasks to do to orchestrate a holiday. Like a disease spreading down generations, they never knew how happily celebrate anything together, as their parents wrecked ritual occasions as well.

3. There are murky roles in the family

The chief role of the parent is characterized by a lack of leadership in the family and the ability to nurture the children. Mom rarely became the high priestess at the summer family reunion or the memorial day picnic when everyone gathers at her house or any family ritual gathering. The family members generally do not believe the parent is there for them and can be depended upon. The concierge’s dysfunctional family is colored by bloody strained relationships and unresolved conflicts and ruined ritual memories.

4. They inspire great literature

The family is the inspiration for great literature. O’Neil’s wrenching play A Long Day’s Journey into Night” portray the most miserable of dysfunctional families. Alcohol, drugs, and secrets that have been kept by all for generations splatter the pages of this great play mirroring all the ruined family ritual celebrations -children of dysfunctional families recall with horror. Award-winning plays and films, like Tracey Letts August in Osage County about a ruined ritual funeral from hell when Julia Roberts tries to beat up drug-addled, drunk presiding mother Meryl Streep, or Succession Where a Narcissistic Dad pits his adult children against each other to succeed him when he dies

Rituals Bring Out the Worst in Family

In a dysfunctional family when an aging Mom does not make the very small things she was able to pull off like the Latkes or the Christmas cookies, the Memorial Day family Reunion or big things like the daughter’s wedding, someone has got to take over or be and family organize or r the successor to Mom, and resentments skyrocket – tempers flare – and the torch just might never get passed.

The family is again thrown into crisis.

That means someone in the tribe has to take over -yet the dysfunctional family has no model or spreadsheet for any transition in power. They cannot pull off any ritual celebrations or even family Taco Tuesdays. Most critically when the rudderless head of the family needs care, these adult children cannot care for a parent who did not care for them. Succession is about the transition of power in the family.

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Understand the Dysfunctional Aging Family System you must enter to get care for elders

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Learn more about how to work with the dysfunctional family in Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 5th edition

New Years Resolutions To Help Aging Parents

December 30, 2021

Adult child worried about aging parents during holidays visit

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Here are some RESOLUTIONS TO HELP AGING PARENTS. It’s not “go on a diet,” because you ate some much holiday fare but what you should do after the holiday when you spotted red flags that made you worry about your aging mom or dad. Here is the entire list of New Year’s resolutions to help your aging parents you might make for January as an adult child worried about aging parents after the holiday visit.

Adult child worried about aging parents after holidays visit

RESOLUTIONS TO HELP AGING PARENTS

Adult Child Helping Senior aging mom with Finances

➢ Accompany the elderly person to the doctor, and talk to the doctor in person.

➢ Gather legal financial and insurance paperwork, and meet with professionals.
➢ Have all mail forwarded to yourself or another relative who will manage it
➢ Contact and meet with old and present friends.
➢ If your older family members are in a facility, make contact with staff that cares for them, and the ombudsman.
➢ Meet with your elderly relative’s support network.

➢ Meet with a geriatric care manager who can do all this for you
DO YOU THINK THIS RESOLUTION TO HELP AGING PARENTS IS TOO EXPENSIVE?

TEN REASONS YOU CAN AFFORD A GERIATRIC CARE MANAGER

The Top Ten Reasons Why You Can Afford A Geriatric Care Manager by Phyllis Brostoff

10. We can do in 2 hours what it would take you 2 weeks to do.

9. We know how to get around that “I’m saving for a rainy day” syndrome when your folks are drowning in their problems.

8. We’re much cheaper than the cost of plane fare if you have to fly into town when your parents say “everything is fine” but you know it isn’t.

7. We can give you the scoop on which nursing home is really right for your parents.

6. We can make your parents hear what you have said over and over again, but they refuse to listen to them, you are still a child.

5. We can tell you’re annoying siblings to shut up, but graciously.

4. We’ve helped hundreds of families a lot worse than yours.

3. Your dad can’t push our buttons.

2. Next time you want to hang up on your mother, you can tell her to call us.

1. We’re available 24/7, so you don’t have to be. Just find us here

If you are a care manager check out my latest free webinar on clinical skills to solve aging family problems post-holidays

Dysfunctional Family Holiday Mayhem – Mom Can’t 4 Manage the Ritual any Longer

December 4, 2020

What is the Normal Family vs Dysfunctional?

The normal family is the hand grenade compared to the nuclear bomb of the dysfunctional family. When both are faced with a filial crisis with an aging parent being dependent and the adult child needs to take over they cower or explode.

Dysfunctional families have many characteristics.

They lack the ability to resolve conflicts and have frequent psycho-social blockages that prevent the family from growing emotionally. They fail miserably at moving through all family stages and orchestrating family rituals.

Most life transitions in the family, like birth, adolescence, and marriage have been very difficult to make, marked by a lack of support from the parents. Every holiday might have been drunkenly ruined. The parental figures are usually not in charge, nurturing, or able to establish establishes clear rules. They have never created an excel spreadsheet on tasks to do to orchestrate a holiday. Like a disease spreading down generations, they never knew how themselves, as their parents wrecked the holidays too.

Bad or just NO Family Leader

There are murky roles for everyone in the dysfunctional family with the chief role of the parent characterized by a lack of leadership of the family and the ability to nurture the children. Mom rarely became the high priestess on Hanukkah or Christmas, the family members generally do not believe the parent is there for them and can be depended upon. The dysfunctional family is colored by bloody strained relationships and unresolved conflicts and drunken ruined Christmas memories

Dysfunction Families Inspiration For Great Literature

is the inspiration for great literature. O’Neil’s wrenching plays A Long Day’s Journey into Night” portrays the most miserable of dysfunctional families. Alcohol, secrets that have been kept by all for generations splatter the pages of this great play like it does in all the ruined holiday’s children of dysfunctional families recall with horror. Prince of Tides a tale of a southern dysfunctional family gives us timelier glimpses of a family whose center can never hold together and whose blood oozes all over everyone from one generation to the next. Award-winning plays and films, like Tracey Letts August in Osage County about a ruined ritual funeral from hell when Julia Roberts tries to beat up drug-addled, drunk presiding mother Meryl Streep.

Burnt Latkes or the Christmas cookies-inflame the family

When Mom does not make the very small things she was able to pull off like the latkes or the Christmas cookies- she always made every Hanukkah and Christmas, or burns them to a crisp- someone else has got to be the cook, and resentments skyrocket – tempers flare – and the torch just might never get passed.

Someone must take over the holiday rituals

The family is again thrown into crisis. That means someone must take over and the dysfunctional family has no model or spreadsheet to pull off the holidays while caring for a parent who did not care for them.

Why Does the Nearly Normal Aging Family Melt Down Over the Holidays ?

November 17, 2019

Really, Mom Can’t Cook the Turkey- Now I Have To????

Many concierge aging families are healthy or a nearly normal family. But discovering they must care for a parent can force them into a tailspin. When the parent figure in the family begins to suffer the losses of aging, a filial crisis occurs.

What’s that-? That is accepting your parents in the here and now. When a Mom or Dad is no longer the north stars they were to the family, midlife adult children need to learn to balance parental love and duty with independence. These midlife kids must create a two-way relationship instead of the parent sending, love, money and nurture only one way. This can throw adult children in a nearly normal family into a parental panic.

Nurturing and care have always been a one-way street – ending with them. Were they selfish – no? That’s what good parents do- nurture their children through all the stages of life. However, this new stage takes a two-way street.

The Shock of Mom Not Caring For Them

The healthy nearly normal family is also thrown off balance by a shock to the system- someone has to replace the Queen or King bee. The person who took the lead role on the family stage has not shown up or forgets their lines. On the holidays, always at their parents, Mom doesn’t decorate the Christmas tree, the envelopes for big gifts for them are missing, forgets the words to the blessing on Chanukah, the recipe for Latkes or her famous Christmas sugar cookies.

Yikes-I Have to Take Over This Ritual ???

Now the adult kids must make the Christmas cookies, Latkes, lead the Chanukah prayers or host Christmas. Many are reluctant to step up to the plate, take over the work of a ritual- be the head of the family

At this giant pause in family play, the family system, even in the normal family must face the loss of control in the system because the parents or parent figures usually have that control. When they can no longer manage on their own, or function as the main gear or guide that moves the family system forward, even the normal spins out of control.

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5 Ways to Tame the Turbulence of Holiday Meltdown in Aging Families

During the busiest season for care management referrals-

Learn how!

How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays

How to give hope to frantic children who call, after seeing their aging parent struggling with the rituals
How to sell services to desperate adult child callers
How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
How to use financial forecasting to prepare for growth during the holidays
Sidestep the Many Care Managers Who Do not know how to work with Dysfunctional Aging Families so the client chooses you

THIS FREE WEBINAR IS NOVEMBER 21, 2019 FROM 2 PM – 3 PM PST

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Are You Ready for Post Thanksgiving Inquiry Calls From Long Distance Care Providers?

November 11, 2019

Burnt Turkey for Thanksgiving?

The holiday season is creeping up on us. Care managers will get the highest volume of call during the next few months during the festive season that often brings more jitters than joy to family caregivers who visit elders on Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and Christmas.

Long Distance family members are caregivers under constant stress.

They have been flying or driving to both visit aging family members for a long time. Family living at a distance usually understands that their parents are deteriorating with age and are savvy enough that they have researched options and already found you on the web ( a reason to have a great website).

When the family gathers on Thanksgiving and everyone can see problems with an older person like memory loss or ambulation problems- the family may agree to call a care manager. Or the very stress of the holiday season on top of caring for an aging parent long-distance may push the designated long-distance care providers over the edge to seek help and call you.

The New Cases Will Pour In- Are You Prepared??

So be prepared for their inquiry and know the needs of long-distance families well plus the resources in your area that you can suggest in your inquiry call. Do not give away the store in your call but let them know that you are an expert in the needs of long-distance care providers and an ace navigator in your area that can find services and choices that are perfect for their needs. Do a two-part inquiry over the phone and start by offering a free 30-minute consultation