Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

Dread Memorial Day with Midlife Sibings?

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Are you dreading the Memorial Day family barbeque?  . Will your estranged brother be manning the barbeque while you drink too much beer?

Are you a midlife sibling at war with sister or brother? Worse than that, do you feel like you and all your siblings are in not only a dysfunctional family but also an aging dysfunctional family?

What’s an aging dysfunctional family? Well they are very much like a war zone. Clans remain at war with each other, like the 1980’s Serbian conflict or the Iraq war pitting the Sunni’s against the Shia.These tribal battles have gone on for centuries and have the same bloody roots of the dysfunctional family -repeated from one generation to the next.

The hallmarks of the dysfunctional aging family, are after decades as a motley clan there is still not enough love in the family. The now midlife children have to fight for what little nurturance their older parents can bring to the ancient rickety nest they built.

Nurturing is often missing in the dysfunctional aging family because the aging parents themselves probably got little nurturing themselves as kids and on and on back down the family line. Parental neglect and abuse are frequent in the history of the aging dysfunctional family.

The now older parents can suffer from serious mental health problems such as schizophrenia or are bi-polar. Health and addiction problems like alcoholism are frequent.  Family interaction and communication, -parental treatment of siblings, brother and sister treatment of each other stepparent interaction and interface of everyone in the family has wrought deep tissue damage that never healed.

These aging dysfunctional families generally negotiated all of life’s developmental phases with great difficulty. The role in the family, especially the parental one, was murky with a poor, abusive or mentally unfit leader of the family. The rules in the family were unfair ambiguous or full of double binds. There is deep-seated ambivalence. Finally the last life transition in the aging family, the care of the declining parent, implodes the family, which had little balance to begin with. They are asked to care for parents who did not care for them, thus reeking havoc on an already disorganized aging family.

So good luck at the Memorial Day family gathering and perhaps consider hiring a geriatric care manager if you sibling war is affecting not only rituals like family gatherings but also the care of your aging parents. The GCM can help you end the constant hangovers and /or acid reflux.

 

Sibling Sexual Abuse- Pandora’s Project Video

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Not all is positive about siblings.One of the red flags for a sibling ” I hate You story” is something happened between you and your sibling that you did not want to happen.  Sibling rape and molestation happens in families. I have been writing about and citing a project that pierces this taboo, Pandora’s Project.

 

If you are survivor of sibling abuse or a professional working with sibling abuse in any age group, I would suggest visiting their web site , friending them on their]and watching their latest video, below, which will help you understand the underbelly of siblings that has been with us, yet taboo to see, since families/ siblings-  began.

 

Sibling Sexual Abuse- It Is Not Your Fault

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I have been blogging about sibling sexual abuse and received many responses that are both heartbreaking and hopeful. All of my information has been gleaned from Pandora’s Project , which I would highly recommend for all sibling abuse survivors and professionals in any field involving children or adult children, like geriatric care managers or LCSW and MFT with a background in aging.

Today I would like to refer you to an excellent article in the Pandora’s Project archive, helping victims of sibling abuse see that it is not their fault and escape the blame and self-loathing that can come from sibling sexual abuse.

 

To Deal With Sibling Squabbles_Parents _ Nuture Yourself

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If you have siblings with issues between them, look to yourself. Are you running on empty? Most young mothers I know don’t really nurture themselves. Between work, parenting and household chores, they never put themselves on their own to do list.

 

If you are a Mom or Dad of teenagers or young children and your kids are struggling with sibling rivalry, avoid a future sibling “I Hate You” story- 40 years from now by caring for yourself. Taking care of you as the caregiver is key to caring for others.

 

The catch phrase is to “balance work and family”. I am talking about balancing three things-work family and you –filling up your own self- before the other two plunge out of balance

Try joining-enrolling in activities that help you care of yourself will help your kids move through the shoals of sibling issues because you feel healthier. You might choose yoga, massage, journaling, meditation, a book club, or a gym membership. Mindfulness could be a practice you could investigate.

 

Keep a diary; just a few sentences a day to tell yourself what you did that day to care for yourself. Just taking a walk, getting your nails done or sitting alone for 15 minutes can count as self-care.

 

Don’t tell yourself you don’t have time. Caregivers of the elderly end up the hospital before the person they care for. That’s one caregiver taking care of one person. Mom’s care for multiple kids and at times sparing siblings.

 

Delegate household tasks to the whole family- give siblings chores like setting the table taking out the trash, starting basic meals. Forming a sibling team actually helps build healthy siblings relationships plus helps you – balance your needs and theirs.
Young children who have brother and sister problems, demand time and attention from the parental caregiver. Your first job is to care for them, but you cannot do that if you’re not emotionally strong and centered yourself.

 

Getting to that point means caring for the caregiver and using caregiver tools to make yourself the best mom, dad, step mom, or step dad you can be. You can help yourself overcome present and future sibling rivalry issues by making a list of activities to nurture yourself so you have all the energy and centeredness it takes to deal with sibling issues.

Being parent/ caregiver, who nurtures yourself, brings your nurturing skills with your young siblings, back into your life.

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