Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

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4 Dysfunctional Family Markers Clinicians Can Face In New Years

January 5, 2021

 

The normal family is the hand grenade compared to the nuclear bomb of the dysfunctional family

When both are faced with a filial crisis of aging parents being dependent and the adult child needs to take over they cower or explode.

How Do You Know a Dysfunctional Family

1. They lack the ability to resolve conflicts

They have frequent psycho-social blockages that prevent the family from growing emotionally. They fail miserably at moving through all family stages and orchestrating family rituals.

2. They Cannot make Life transitions

Most life transitions in the family, like birth, adolescence, and marriage have been very difficult to make, marked by a lack of support from the parents. Every holiday might be drunkenly be ruined. The parental figures are usually not in charge, nurturing, or able to establish establishes clear rules. They have never created an excel spreadsheet on tasks to do to orchestrate a holiday. Like a disease spreading down generations, they never knew how happily celebrate anything together, as their parents wrecked ritual occasions as well.

3. There are murky roles in the  family family-fight-300x223.jpg

The chief role of the parent characterized by a lack of leadership of the family and the ability to nurture the children. Mom rarely became the high priestess on Hanukkah or Christmas or any family ritual gathering, the family members generally do not believe the parent is there for them and can be depended upon. The dysfunctional family is colored by bloody strained relationships and unresolved conflicts and  ruined ritual memories.

 

4. They inspire great literature

The family is the inspiration for great literature. O’Neil’s wrenching plays A Long Day’s Journey into Night”  portrays the most miserable of dysfunctional families. Alcohol, drugs, and secrets that have been kept by all for generations splatter the pages of this great play mirroring all the ruined holidays’ children of dysfunctional families recall with horror.  Prince of Tides a tale of a southern dysfunctional family gives us a timelier glimpse of a family whose center can never hold together and whose blood oozes all over everyone from one generation to the next. Award-winning plays and films, like Tracey Letts August in Osage County about a ruined ritual funeral from hell when Julia Roberts tries to beat up drug-addled, drunk presiding mother Meryl Streep.ed6855aa32d877d7fc1ef9ee757e0f17-98.jpg

Rituals Bring Out the Worst in this family

When an aging  Mom does not make the very small things she was able to pull off like the Latkes or the Christmas cookies she always made every Hanukkah and Christmas,  or cannot pull off big things like the daughter’s wedding someone has got to be the cook and family organizer, and resentments skyrocket – tempers flare – and the torch just might never get passed.

The family is again thrown into crisis. That means someone in the tribe has to take over -yet the dysfunctional family has no model or spreadsheet for any transition in power. They cannot pull off any ritual celebrations or even family Taco Tuesdays. Most critically when the rudderless head of the family needs care, these adult children cannot care for a parent who did not care for them.

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5 Vital Clinical Tools to Help Aging Dysfunctional Families-Post Horrid Holidays– 

             Thursday, January 21, 2021

              2:00-3:30 PM Pacific Standard Time

  Give frantic adult children hope when they desperately call after the holiday  

 Join me and learn how to come to the rescue of concierge dysfunctional families who found coal in their stocking.      

Learn how to!

  • Understand the Dysfunctional Aging Family System you must enter to get care for elders
  • Understand 11 Warning Signs You Are Working with Dysfunctional Family
  • Master Vital Clinical Tools, you to solve client problems
  • Take Six Steps Professional Must Take to Work with These Difficult Families
  • Get care for aging family members when the dysfunctional family members resist

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Find out more in the YouTube for My YouTube, Channel  Geriatric Care 1

Learn more about how to work with the dysfunctional family in Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 4th edition 

 

Filed Under: Aging, Aging Family, aging family crisis, aging life business, Aging Life Care, aging life care manager, Blog, case manager, Cut Off, Dysfunctional Aging Familu, Dysfunctional aging family, Dysfunctional Family & Holidays, Families, Geriatric Care Management Business, geriatric social worker, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Holiday Rituals in Aging Family, Holiday season, Holiday Sibling Rivalry, Holidays, nurse advocate, nurse care manager Tagged With: aging life care manager, care manager, case manager, geriatric care manager, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Long Days Journey Into Night, nurse care manager

What Happens When Mom High Priestess of the Holidays Falls off her Throne?

December 20, 2020

 

Holidays have traditionally been women’s job.

Mothers are the high priestess of the ritual- like Queen Elizabeth without servants. The UK estimated the there are 25 to do’s women have on the holiday. It takes years to accumulate objects ritual dishes and religious objects used. It takes the left side of your brain executive skills, plans and organize, remember details, does things based on your experience.

Holidays are often done on autopilot

Women–recalling all the jobs that must be done year after year. It also takes  IADLs- (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living) meal planning, shopping, plus ambulation. Then add depression – widowhood, loss and you have the challenges of aging in managing this entire titanic ritual.  Many times the aging Mom can no longer balance all these plates and the holidays shatter with the crashing dishes.

At some point when Mom cannot do all the maybe 75 subsets of holiday preparation

Then the torch has to be passed and an adult child (usually an adult daughter must take over. This is like secession, – Princess Elizabeth taking over for her Dad, King George, (who hated it and had a lifelong stutter) made famous in The King’s Speech who was handed the throne by his brother Edward who quit being king.   

Mom needs to Pass the Torch- Baby Boomers Kids Shocked

Baby boomer- adult children and the aging parents are unprepared by their own culture for this new developmental phase of passing the torch. They do not expect it, like they did the nights of the crying newborn or the rebellious teen, and are thrown off balance by the sometimes sudden and usually unexpected loss of their anchoring aging parents, like when they find Elderly Mom is unable to pull off running the holidays  Indeed, what must happen in this new developmental phase is that the adult child must evolve beyond the needy child, (I will still have Mom pull of the holiday as she always did) he or she has been, depending on his or her parents for that fiscal, emotional, social support and ritual organizing parents, like managing of officiating over the Christmas or Hanukkah celebration.

 Geriatric Care Manager to the Rescue

In the normal healthy family system this filial crisis of Holiday rituals can be overcome and the adult children with the brief help of an aging life or geriatric care manager so they can let go of their former dependent roles and confront their parent’s loss by organizing and providing care. They can take over Christmas and Hanukkah by stepping in and grabbing that torch.

Dysfunctional Family Do Not Want to Take Over for Mom

In the dysfunctional aging family, this filial crisis is incredibly hard to trounce from both the parents and the adult child’s point of view. The really need a geriatric care manager’s services

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  3. Families 

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     Working with Aging Dysfunctional Families- January and February-Long Day’s Journey into Night- 

                 Thursday, January 21, 2021

      Give frantic adult children hope when they desperately call after the holiday   Join me and learn how to come to the rescue of concierge dysfunctional families who found coal in their stocking.      Learn how to:family-charis1-226x300.jpg Understand the Dysfunctional Aging Family System you must enter to get care for elders   Understand 11 Warning Signs You Are Working with Dysfunctional Family    Master the 5 Clinical Tools – you need – to solve these problems with your clients   Learn Six Steps Professional Must Take to Work with These Difficult Families    

     

     

     

    Find out more in the YouTube for My YouTube, Channel  Geriatric Care 1

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 SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL GERIATRIC CARE 1  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFp628rQosw&list=PLUJcFcSOVOC7tOF9l5fYNzzUwHFm6Hw1j      

Filed Under: ADL Loss & Holidays, Aging Family, aging family crisis, aging life business, Aging Life Care, Aging Life Care Assocaition, aging life care manager, Aging Mother, Aging therapist, Alzheimers & Holidays, Blog, care manager, case manager, Dementia, Dementia & Holidays, Dysfunctional aging family, Dysfunctional Family & Holidays, elder care manager, Families, Filial Crisis, GCM Webinar, Geriatric Care Management Business, geriatric care management emergency proceduress, Geriatric Care Manager, geriatric care manager, geriatric social worker, Hanukkah, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Holiday on call, Holiday Rituals in Aging Family, Holiday season, Holiday Sibling Rivalry, Holidays, Nearly Normal Aging Family, nurse advocate, nurse care manager, POST HOLIDAY CALLS, POST HOLIDAY SEASON, sibling rivalry, Sibling Strife Christmas Tagged With: aging life care on holidays, Aging Mom on Christmas, aging Mom on holidays, aging parent crisis, aging parent crisis on holiday, alzheimers & holidays, Dementia & Holiday Tasks, dysfunctional family holidays, Filial crisis on Christmas, Filial crisis on Hanahka, geriatric care manager. aging family crisis, Holiday Crisis For Aging Family, holiday misery, Working With Dysfunctional family

How to Help Avoid a Cat and Dog fight at a Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving

November 18, 2020

cat-dog-fight.jpg

Sparring Cats and Dogs

Especially after some holiday liquid cheer, sour step-parents, angry step-siblings, and mid-life adult kids who have grown up in a dysfunctional family can turn into sparring cats and dogs with teeth bared and claws dug in flesh, at Thanksgiving dinner.

 Why Their Stocking Full of Coal

As if COVID has not made the holidays hard enough for family gatherings, the ordinary aging processes are made far tougher when a family has a history of dysfunction. Aging professionals, like geriatric care managers, have their greatest challenges in working with these “difficult” families.

 

Dysfunctional families are not able to organize themselves

They effectively face gut-wrenching eldercare challenges and crises. These families are under more stress as they move from long-established roles into uncharted territory.

 Why Cut-OFF Ruins Holidays

What if adult kids “ cut off” their Dad years ago and now he had a severe stroke- what do they do?? Someone has to take over Mom or Dad’s care and these dysfunctional midlife adult kids are heavy ambivalent or just don’t want to do it.  They are caught between “ I love you” and “ I hate you” and it only takes a few drinks and snarky remarks to start a fracas.

 

Now that the holidays are soon arriving – they have the same attitude about attending the family Thanksgiving dinner.

 So what to do if you are an aging professional, geriatric care manager, nurse care manager- before the holiday to avoid the scene below.

family-fight-300x223.jpg

 

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8 Ways to Tame the Turmoil of the Holidays & Twindemic in the Aging Family

 Learn how!

  • How to sell services to the desperate Aging Family during the holiday surge
  • How to give hope to frantic children who call when their aging parent struggling with Loneliness and isolation on the holidays
  • How to help the Aging Family make holiday visits remotely or safely in person
  • How to counsel the Aging Family to track aging decline &Twindemic risk in loved ones
  • How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays
  • How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
  • How to use financial forecasting to prepare for business growth during the holidays

Sidestep the Many Care Managers Who Do not know how to work with Dysfunctional family or do COVID Coaching of Aging Families so the client chooses you

THIS FREE WEBINAR IS Thursday, December 3, 2020, FROM 2 PM – 3:30 PM PST

Sign Up Now

 

 

Find out more in the YouTube for My YouTube, Channel  Geriatric Care 1

 

 

 

Filed Under: Aging, aging family crisis, aging life business, Aging Life Care, Aging Life Care Assocaition, aging life care manager, Aging therapist, Blog, case manager, COVID & HOLIDAY SEASON, Covid Holiday Remote Visit, COVID Webinar, Dysfunctional aging family, Dysfunctional Family & Holidays, elder care manager, estranged siblings, Families, Geriatric Care Management Business, Geriatric Care Manager, geriatric care manager, geriatric social worker, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Holiday on call, Holiday Rituals in Aging Family, Holiday season, Holiday Sibling Rivalry, Holidays, HolidaySeason and COVID, Long Distance Care, nurse advocate, nurse care manager, POST HOLIDAY CALLS, POST HOLIDAY SEASON, quality of life -COVID-19, Quality of Life and Reminicance, Siblings, Telehealth COVID-19products, TELEHEALTH HOLIDAY PLAN, Telehealth with ALCA, Telehealth with GCM, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving & dysfunctional family, Thanksgiving and COVID, THANKSGIVING BLOG, Thanksgiving Parent crisis, Thanksgiving Safe Visits to Grandma, Thanksgving visits during COVID, Therapist Specializing in Aging, Webinar, ZOOM CHRISTMAS, ZOOM THANKSGVING Tagged With: aging dysfunctional family, aging family, aging life care manager, aging parent care, aging parent Thanksgiving, alcohol on the holidays, care manager, case manager, COVID THANKSGIVING VISIT, danger signs for holiday visit, drunken holiday, dysfunctional family on the holiday, GRANDMA VISIT THANKSGIVING, Holiday sibling rivalry, nurse advocate, nurse care manager, post holiday parent care, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving with dysfunctional family, Thanksgiving with midlife siblings

Are You Ready for Post Thanksgiving Inquiry Calls From Long Distance Care Providers

November 16, 2020

facebook-holiday-post-4.png

 

Long Distance family members are caregivers zapped out by stress

They have been flying or driving to both visit aging family members for a long time. These caregivers at a distance usually understand that their parents are deteriorating with age and are savvy enough that they have researched options and already found you on the web ( a reason to have a great website).

The Holidays Push Them Over The Edge

When the family gathers on Thanksgiving and everyone can see problems with an older person like memory loss or ambulation problems- the family may agree to call a care manager. Or the very stress of the holiday season on top of caring for

an aging parent long-distance may push the designated long-distance care providers over the edge to seek help.

Unpaid bills litter Dad’s desk. He refuses to go to church when he was a devoted churchgoer all his life. He’s drinking too much at the local pub. When the daughter puts the post-turkey leftovers in the refrigerator she finds moldy food on every shelf. When asked about the bills and the moldy food, Dad gets really angry at them when he was an easygoing guy all his life. They consider picking up the phone and screaming at 911

More than 7 million American Families care for older family members from afar. This holiday season many of those long-distance families will come home to an elder Mom or Dad’s house and find a scene they saw coming but still fill them with new white fear. They may have patched together care neighbor’s check-ins or other inconsistent coverage for parents. To their horror, they find, on returning home on holidays, the flood of parent problems blew out the patch, with coal dust spurting straight in their face

 

Call made to 911- You

At that point, the daughter may pull out her phone and call an aging life or geriatric care manager because she cannot fly home without getting help. Are you ready for these desperate calls?

Give frantic adult children hope when they frantically call this holiday.

So be prepared for their inquiry and know the needs of long-distance families well plus the resources in your area that you can suggest in your inquiry call. Do not give away the store in your call but let

them know that you are an expert in the needs of long-distance care providers and an ace navigator in your area that can find services and choices that are perfect for their needs.

SIGN UP FOR MY WEBINAR

 

8 Ways to Tame the Turmoil of the Holidays & Twindemic in the Aging Family

 Learn how!

  • How to sell services to the desperate Aging Family during the holiday surge
  • How to give hope to frantic children who call when their aging parent strugglingwith Loneliness and isolation on the holiday
  • How to help the Aging Family make holiday visits remotely or safely in person
  • How to counsel the Aging Family to track aging decline &Twindemic risk in loved ones
  • How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays
  • How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
  • How to use financial forecasting to prepare for business growth during the holidays

Sidestep the Many Care Managers Who Do not know how to work with Dysfunctional family or do COVID Coaching of Aging Families so the client chooses you

THIS FREE WEBINAR IS Thursday, December 3, 2020, FROM 2 PM – 3:30 PM PST

Sign Up Now

 

 

 

Find out more in the YouTube for My YouTube, Channel  Geriatric Care 1

 

 

SIGN UP FOR MY NEWEST WEBINAR. 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Aging, Aging Family, aging life care manager, Blog, care manager, Covid Holiday Remote Visit, COVID Webinar, COVID-19 & Care Management, Covid-19 and GCM SERVICES, COVID-19 Webinar, Dysfunctional aging family, Dysfunctional Family & Holidays, Families, Geriatric Care Management Business, Geriatric Care Manager, geriatric care manager, geriatric social worker, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Holiday Rituals in Aging Family, Holiday season, Holiday Sibling Rivalry, Holidays, HolidaySeason and COVID, Long Distance Care, nurse advocate, nurse care manager, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving & dysfunctional family, Thanksgiving and COVID, Thanksgiving Parent crisis, Thanksgiving Safe Visits to Grandma, Thanksgving visits during COVID Tagged With: aging family Thanksgiving, aging life care manager, aging life inquiry, aging life or geriatric care manager, care manager, case manager, check list for holiday visit, COVID Driving to Thanksgiving, COVID THANKSGIVING VISIT, COVID VIRTUAL THANKSGIVING VISIT, geriatric care manager, long distance care provider, long distance family on holiday, nurse care manager, Thanksgiving COVID Travel, Thanksgiving with dysfunctional family

What Types Concierge Clients Can Afford Paid Care Besides Donald Trump On the Holidays?

November 1, 2020

 Types of aging families who can afford care management

Families who can afford geriatric care management and home care  long term can do so because they have the financial resources, which are usually over a million dollars in assets.. Part of this is drawn from Claudia Fine and Nick Newcombe excellent chapter ” Entitlement in the Aging Family”, Care Managers Working With the Aging Family, Jones and Bartlett) 

Narcissistic-Entitled Families:

Entitlement in these families usually develops from a specific kind of “not good enough parenting” in which the parents themselves have struggled with personality disorders, most typically, in this type of family, narcissistic borderline personality  ( example President Trump)They struggled with a borderline personality that went undiagnosed or was formally diagnosed and untreated. The narcissistic or borderline parent essentially does not experience the child/children as separate and discreet from themselves and, moreover, uses the child/children to serve parental needs.  This parent-child relationship is characterized by severe boundary issues in which seduction and abandonment are ever-present dynamics and where emotional unpredictability and instability are constant.  ( Fine and Newcombe- Entitlement in the Aging Family, Care Managers Working With the Aging Family)

 

 Rich and Famous-Entitled Families:

These families are identified by the parents’ socioeconomic, financial and political prominence.  ( example President Reagan)They are families in which all basic needs, services, resources and creature comforts are obtained via income, assets, abundant discretionary cash flow and/or come from the political position, station or power.  Once again, the entitlement of the family is passed from the parent to the child who in turn brings these behaviors and actions to the caregiving milieu and care management relationship.  In this category, the entitlement arises out of a family that is accustomed to purchasing everything.  They look to paid others to meet their needs (as opposed to families who must themselves find and orchestrate ways to meet basic and complex needs themselves or with the help of the extra-familial system).  Often these families have household staff, i.e., nannies, butlers, drivers, private pilots, cooks, and maids.  They may have available to the business and family lawyers and accountants, as well as, teams of medical professionals and concierge physicians.  Consequently, in almost all situations they are uninvolved in processes, especially those that are difficult, stressful and time-consuming.  ( Fine and Newcombe- Entitlement in the Aging Family, Care Managers Working With the Aging Family)

 

Well-heeled seniors,affluentseniors.jpg

According to the New York Times, may be middle-class retirees who buy shoes from Payless but have a defined pension can afford care at home when they need it and private care management. They rode the post-war economy, held jobs long term and through that defined pension (no 401K) face a very healthy financial picture in aging.  They worked for city, county, state government are teachers, truck drivers, social workers or were union members in all trades. They had a career at Xerox, IBM, Campbell Soup and big Fortune 500 companies.

 

Professionals- Physician, Attorneys, CPAs

This group made a very healthy living during the late 20th Century, probably had a defined pension and have very lucrative investments that allow them to afford home care and care management. They usually come from nearly iStock_000063346301_Medium-1.jpgnormal families and have been well parented although you will find a mixture of dysfunctional aging families. Their adult children tend to be supportive of their parents, although again you will find a mixture of dysfunctional families in this category.

If you are in any of these families, how will you spend the coming holidays with them- and will you spend the future COVID-ridden Holidays with them. If you are a geriatric care manager or geriatric therapist, what will you advise your clients do during this star crossed holiday on ice.?

SIGN UP FOR MY NEW FREE WEBINAR

 

8 Ways to Tame the Turmoil of the Holidays & Twindemic in the Aging Family

 Learn how!

  • How to sell services to the desperate Aging Family during the holiday surge
  • How to give hope to frantic children who call when their aging parent struggling with Loneliness and isolation on the holidays
  • How to help the Aging Family make holiday visits remotely or safely in person
  • How to counsel the Aging Family to track aging decline &Twindemic risk in loved ones
  • How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays
  • How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
  • How to use financial forecasting to prepare for business growth during the holidays

Sidestep the Many Care Managers Who Do not know how to work with Dysfunctional family or do COVID Coaching of Aging Families so the client chooses you

THIS FREE WEBINAR IS Thursday, December 3, 2020, FROM 2 PM – 3:30 PM PST

Sign Up Now

 

 

 Blog: https://www.cathycress.com/blog/

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Email: cressgcm@got.net

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Aging, Aging Life Care, Aging Life Care Assocaition, aging life care manager, Aging therapist, ALCA & Skilled Nursing Facility, Blog, Concierge aging clients, Concierge Client, concierge clients, Concierge Senior, COVID & HOLIDAY SEASON, Covid 19 Webinar, Covid Holiday Remote Visit, COVID Webinar, Covid-19 and GCM SERVICES, COVID-19 Webinar, elder care manager, Families, Geriatric Assessment, Geriatric Care Management Business, Geriatric Care Manager, geriatric care manager, geriatric social worker, high end clients, Holiday Meltdown in Aging Family, Holiday Rituals in Aging Family, Holiday season, Holiday Sibling Rivalry, Holidays, HolidaySeason and COVID, home care, Long Distance Care, Long distance caregiver, Narcissistic Personality, nurse advocate, nurse care manager, Remote Thanksgiving Family Visit, Webinar Tagged With: Aging Concierge client, aging family, aging life care manager, aging parent care, aging parent crisis, care manager, case manager, Certified Senior Advisors, Concierge Care Manager, Covid, COVID & Holiday Season, COVID VIRTUAL CHRISTMAS VISIT, COVID VIRTUAL HANN, COVID VIRTUAL THANKSGIVING VISIT, Covid-19 Telehealth, COVIF VIRTUAL THANKSGIVING VISIT, Entitled, Entitled Family, geriatric care manager, Holiday COVID Celebration, Narcissistic Personality, nurse advocates, nurse care manager, Rich and Famous, Virtual COVID Holiday Celebration, well heeled seniors

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