Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

Do you Need a Sibling Family Meeting for Dysfunctional Family Family

 

Do you have an aging dysfunctional family where the midlife siblings need to have a family meeting? That family meeting might be about care of an older parent, an aging Mom or Dad crisis, dividing up the family home after Mom moves or dies or any of the many elder life transition that happen to midlife siblings.

 

What’s an aging dysfunctional family? Well they are very much like a war zone. Clans remain at war with each other, like the 1980’s Serbian conflict or the Iraq war pitting the Sunni’s against the Shia.These tribal battles have gone on for centuries and have the same bloody roots of the dysfunctional family -repeated from one generation to the next. The hallmarks of the dysfunctional aging family are, after decades as a sibling clan there is still not enough love in the family. The now midlife siblings have to fight for what little nurturance their older parents can bring to the ancient rickety nest they built.

 

Nurturing is often missing in the dysfunctional aging family because the aging parents themselves probably got little nurturing themselves as kids and on and on back down the family line. Parental neglect and abuse are frequent in the history of the aging dysfunctional family.

 

The now older parents can suffer from serious mental health problems such as schizophrenia or are bi-polar. Health and addiction problems like alcoholism are frequent. Family interaction and communication, -parental treatment of siblings, brother and sister treatment of each other stepparent interaction and interface of everyone in the family has wrought deep tissue damage that never healed.

 

These aging dysfunctional families generally negotiated all of life’s developmental phases with great difficulty. The role in the family, especially the parental one, was murky with a poor, abusive or mentally unfit leader of the family. The rules in the family were unfair ambiguous or full of double binds. There is deep-seated ambivalence.

 

Finally the last life transition in the aging family, the care of the declining parent, implodes the family, which had little balance to begin with. They are asked to care for parents who did not care for them, thus reeking havoc on an already disorganized aging family.

 

So if you are planning on having a family meeting with siblings from a dysfunctional family, you need a skilled mediator with at least 100 hours of mediation training.

 

I will soon be out with an e book on my web site on How To Have A Family Meeting. It will include these tough difficult dysfunctional families. Check out my www.cathycress.com web site  to find it soon.

Sibling Family Meeting- Are you a Nearly Normal Family?

What type of sibling/ family needs a mediator to run a family meeting? Exactly what type of sibling/ family needs a facilitator to manage their family meeting? Siblings in a dysfunctional family which need a mediator to run a family meeting. Sibling in a “ nearly normal’ family ( see photo above) need a facilitator.

If you have sibling family problems and want to have a family meeting, let’s look a nearly normal family and see if you fit in this category, when you hold a family meeting.

This type of family is generally compatible, cohesive, productive, and stable.

“Nearly Normal Aging Families” are usually close-knit, well integrated, high functioning, and sufficiently resilient. With the help of a facilitator, these sibling family members can communicate well enough to help make wise decisions about complex family/sibling problems.

Nearly normal families accept differences of opinion as inevitable, realizing that settling family disagreements is not only an ordinary part of decision-making, but also an opportunity to expand their individual thinking, which enables them to make better-informed decisions. They “lock arms” to address the problems they encounter and have, in fact, locked arms to solve problems all of their lives.

 

What is a facilitator- the professional who should run the family meeting for a nearly normal family? A facilitator is a person who accepts the responsibility to help the “ nearly normal “ siblings address the problems that prompted the family meeting. He or she can develop the agenda and guide siblings as they talk about options and strategies to solve the difficulty at hand. She or he can help participants stick to the agenda so decisions and plans for solving problems are made within the time available. The facilitator does not make the decisions. Rather, she or he helps the siblings state their opinions, ensure that all are heard, and move forward toward decisions that are acceptable by all. Good choices for facilitators are social workers or Licensed Clinical Social Worker LCSW ‘s from local agencies, professional geriatric care managers (GCM’s), marriage and family therapists, (MFT’s) physicians, and members of the clergy or trained psychologists.

Tomorrow I will cover a dysfunctional sibling family and a mediator, who is the professional who should run a sibling family meeting for a very difficult or dysfunctional family.

Very soon, on my website, my new book Sibling Family Meetings will be available. Keep checking.

What is an Estranged Elder Sibling Family Meeting

 

Have you ever had elderly aunt, uncles, and your own parents, who are estranged from their own older siblings? There is a way you can help them reconcile – that is a  estranged elder family meeting.

Why is this a great idea?

1.Elderly siblings contribute to another older siblings well being. This is especially true of widows. . Seeing a married sister is the strongest positive effect statically to help both older widows and widowers

2. Older men reconciled with an elderly sister find the greatest sense of emotional security. Women are kid keepers and nurturers so if you have an elderly aunt or uncle estranged from each other- have a family meeting to resole their differences

3. Elderly sisters or sisters of any age have the greatest degree of closeness, support, acceptance and contact of any sibling dyad.  They have the least envy and resentment. Reconciling aging sisters can be the best resolution in an older siblings life.

So if you have elderly family members who have cut each other off, don’t talk, are mad about something 50 years ago, schedule a family meeting to bring the deepest, longest most meaningful relationship- their sibling, back in their life.

 

 

What Check List Do You Or Your Midlife siblings need during summer visit to aging parents?

 

A midlife sibling summer visit to elderly parents can be sweet or it can be scary. You might go for the family reunion with your midlife siblings, week at the family summer home with or without your midlife siblings, take the young siblings to see your hometown or any holiday visit.

The frightening part often happens when you haven’t seen an aging Mom or Dad for a while. If you live long distance, making an occasional visit can set off alarms, especially if find your aging Mom or Dad has gone down hill.

Here is a checklist to take with you, on your summer visit I have given you ten red flags to watch for when you spend time with aging parents. This means you may have to get out your magnifying glass, like Sherlock Holmes, and really look for clues.

➢ Curb Appeal – Does your Dad’s home look more like an unmaintained rental? Is there disrepair, a weedy yard, uncleaned carpets or furniture?
➢ Housekeeping – Are there dirty dishes, unwashed sheets, a mess where things used to be tidy? Does the house look like it needs a scrubbing, or at least someone to help with cleaning?
➢ Medication – Can you find a stash of outdated medication in the bathroom, bedroom or anywhere?
➢ Driving – Is driving with your older Dad frightening? Ask him to drive you somewhere. How is his reaction time, or judgment? Can he drive at night? Does he have traffic tickets? Assess the car. Is it worse for wear, dented or are there telltale signs of accidents?
➢ Trash- Are there bags of trash in the basement or out back? Look in closets.
➢ Collections- Are there growing collections that appear to be out of control, of newspapers, magazines, old sports memorabilia, ashtrays – any accumulation that appears to be taking over space and looks excessive. This is a sign of hoarding
➢ Shopping- Take him out shopping or out to a meal to celebrate the day. When he does shopping or pays for a meal, does he have problems with checks, credit cards, figuring tips, or calculating discounts? Does he forget his wallet or other important personal items he should have with him?
➢ Change in Behavior- Is Dad quiet when he used to be loud? Is he paranoid, having mood swings, unsocial when he used to be the belle of the ball or life of the party?
➢ Odors- Did you smell urine? Must? Mildew? Dirty clothes or dishes?
➢ Refrigerator- Are there science experiments, aka moldy food in the refrigerator?

If any of these clues turn up trouble, you need talk your midlife siblings about the problems you have discovered and set up a family meeting via Skype, in person or a family conference call. ( see my last blog)

Talk to Mom and Dad, the subject of my next blog.

You may also need to call geriatric care manager for help. They are experts in solving problems with aging parents.

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