Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

When Cut Off in The Family is a ” Phantom Limb” at Thanksgiving – Katie Holmes Brilliant Role

Thanksgiving can be the gateway to the dysfunctional families worst time of year- the holidays. You face family across the table you despise or just both love and hate. Or there is that empty seat- the uninvited guest- the brother-sister, aunt, son, daughter who you never invite- the cut off-family member. 

But since this leaves the family with that “phantom limb”- like the awful sensation that an amputated or missing limb is still attached and where it was is pulsating in pain- families reach out for someone to fix it.

The ordinary aging processes are made far tougher when a family has a history of dysfunction. Aging professionals, like geriatric care managers, have their greatest challenges in working with these “difficult” families around this time of year.

Dysfunctional families are not able to organize themselves effectively in the face of eldercare challenges and crises. These families are under more stress as they move from long-established roles into uncharted territory.

What if they “ cut off” their Dad years ago and now he had a severe stroke-what do they do?? Someone has to take over Mom or Dad’s care and these dysfunctional midlife adult kids are heavy ambivalent or just don’t want to do it.Now that the holidays are arriving – they have the same attitude about attending the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Pieces if April is my favorite aging dysfunctional family  ” cut off ” Thanksgiving film. Made as a comedy in 2003, it touches death and dying, sibling rivalry, mother-daughter estrangement, interracial love- and Alzheimer’s all fueled by deep family fault lines and how to cook a turkey on a broken stove.The film manages to make the old theme of fraught family Thanksgiving, crisp, funny and ultra worth watching.

 Shot in 3 weeks for a measly $350 K, it received a Sundance Film award and accolades for its pedigree cast including 21 year old Katie Holmes as the grunge Goth daughter who her family has ” Cut Off”,.Patricia Clarkson as the dying  Mom who distains then forgives her rebellious eldest child and Alice Drummond as the demented grandmother who comes along and plays the most rational person in the film in her obliviousness to the family  holiday freak-out.

 Watch this classic before the holiday 

 

 

 

 

Thanskgiving Visit to Elders May Be Push to Move

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Thanksgiving is coming and aging family members will visit their elderly parents. What they may find is a shocking reason to move them

Declining physical safety due to the lack of home maintenance often creates an urgency to move. Home safety concerns and deferred home maintenance often share a symbiotic relationship. Loose stair railings, leaky roofs, old furnaces, and seeping gas appliances all result from deferred home maintenance and create an unsafe living environment

If the older adult lacks the ability to access qualified home maintenance and repair services, the push to move will surface once again and a change in living environment may be considered.

Dementia, decrements in vision and hearing, a lack of a strong support network, or financial limitations can make the ability to identify and contract with reputable home repair services nearly impossible.  When the home environment is deemed no longer able to support the safety of the older adult this is a red flag to move hire a geriatric care manager http://memberfinder.caremanager.org/. They can assess how the older person can stay at home with home repairs and private duty home care.

This calls into question the availability of sufficient financial resources to pay for much-needed assistance in the face of declining health or support networks. Aside from structural changes to the home, an older person’s lack of ambulation or ability to execute ADL’s or IADL’s may require paid caregivers. If the older person has insufficient financial resources to afford care or modify the house, this financial crisis may push an older person to consider moving. The geriatric care manager can help the family or elder to find the right level of care to move and assist them in moving.

Social support, health and functional abilities, home environment, safety, and finances are all factors affecting the degree of push an older adult or an elder’s family may experience leading to the need for late-life relocation. Social supports, like adult children visiting at Thanksgiving may prompt need to the need do much more than cook a turkey at Mom’s house. Adult children may have to decide whether to move her or him.

Thanksgiving is Coming and so is the Dysfunctional Family

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Thanksgiving is around the corner what better time to talk about the” dysfunctional family”. Coping with an aging parent is a complicated matter. The nearly normal aging family has their own problems. Leading up to Thanksgiving they can resent Mom not be able to cook that turkey. An aging Mom or Dad’s decline can be a struggle even for families that are close-knit, well integrated, and highly functioning. But for the dysfunctional aging family a disabled Mom’s need for care can be overwhelming and even destructive. This kind of family the family is marked by strained relationships and unresolved conflict. They not only do not want to take over and cook the Thanksgiving turkey, they will attend the annual family ritual and make a scene or, more likely, never show up at all.

 

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