nearly normal family Archives ⋆ Cathy Cress

Why Does the Nearly Normal Family Melt Down Over the Holidays ?

December 9, 2018

Granddaughter hugging grandmother while making a cake together in the kitchen

Many aging families are healthy or a nearly normal family But discovering they must care for a parent can force them into a tailspin. When the parent figure in the family begins to suffer the losses of aging, a filial crisis occurs.

What’s that-? That is accepting your parent in the here and now. When a Mom or Dad is no longer the north stars they were to the family, midlife adult children need to learn to learn to balance parental love and duty with independence. These midlife kids must create a two-way relationship instead of the parent sending, love, money and nurture only one way. This can throw adult children in a nearly normal family into a parental panic.

Nurturing and care have always been a one-way street – ending with them. Were they selfish – no? That’s what good parents do- nurture their children through all the stages of life. However, this new stage takes a two-way street.

The healthy nearly normal family is also thrown off balance by a shock to the system- someone has to replace the Queen or King bee. The person who took the lead role on the family stage has not shown up or forgets their lines. On the holidays they don’t decorate the Christmas tree, forget the words to the blessing on Chanukah, the recipe for Latkes or their famous

Christmas sugar cookies.

Now the adult kids must make the Christmas cookies, Latkes, lead the Chanukah prayers or host Christmas. Many are reluctant to step up to the plate, take over the work of a ritual- be the head of the family

At this giant pause in family play, the family system, even in the normal family must face the loss of control in the system because the parents or parent figures usually have that control. When they can no longer manage on their own, or function as the main gear or guide that moves the family system forward, even the normal spins out of control

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Why Does the Concierge Nearly Normal Family Melt Down Over the Holidays ?

December 16, 2017

Many concierge aging families are healthy or a nearly normal family. But discovering they must care for a parent can force them into tailspin. When the parent figure in the family begins to suffer the losses of aging, a filial crisis occurs.

What’s that-? That is accepting your parent in the here and now .When a Mom or Dad is no longer the north stars they were to the family, midlife adult children need to learn to learn to balance parental love and duty with independence. These midlife kids must create a two-way relationship instead of the parent sending, love, money and nurture only one way. This can throw adult children in a nearly normal family into a parental panic.

What’s a Filial Crisis in the Nearly Normal Family?

September 7, 2017

In the nearly normal aging family when the parent figure in family ages and begins to suffer the losses of getting old. Then the filial crisis occurs. What’s that-? The midlife adult children need to learn to learn to balance love and duty to their aging parents with independence. These midlife children must create a two-way relationship instead of the parent sending, love, money and be nurturing only one way. This throws adult children in a nearly normal family into a tailspin. It has always been a one-way street – ending with them. Were they selfish – no? That’s what good parents do- nurture their children through all the stages of life. However, this new stage takes a two-way streetaby

Baby boomer children, are shocked and baffled when their now aging parents are no longer that John Wayne father figure who can root out every bad guy depending only on his gun and horse. When their Dad or Mom need to ask for support following to loss of health in old age, their adult children are thrown into crisis. This crisis has been labeled a filial crisis by pioneering social worker Margaret Blenkner. Blenkner, a breaker of new ground in the social sciences was the first director of the Benjamin Rose Institute in Cleveland and introduced the concept of the filial crisis. This crisis, she theorized, happened when the adult child realized that their parents were not invulnerable. Like the Twin towers crumbling after America ‘s 911, these adult children saw their impregnable parents start to disintegrate and with it the supportive bulwarks f After a life time of seeing their parents as the indomitable during their often indulged, financial, economic and emotional support, even in their children mid-life.

This filial crisis is, in essence, a new developmental phase in life, the loss of your parent’s independence and their dependence on you.

The healthy family is also thrown off balance by this shock to the system. The person who took the lead role on the family stage has not shown up or forgets their lines.At this giant pause in family play, the family system, even in the normal family must face the loss of control in the system because the parents or parent figures usually have that control. When they can no longer manage on their own, or function as the main gear or guide that moves the family system forward even the normal family is thrown off balance.

Professionals Check out my book Care Managers Working With the Aging Family , with its chapter Loss Dependence, “Filial Maturity and Homeostasis in the Aging Family“, Leonie Nowitz and Cathy Cress, Jones and Bartlett, to learn more about a Filial Crisis in the Nearly Normal Aging Family

When Does the Nearly Normal Family Morph to Dysfunctional?

October 3, 2015

Nearly normal families of all types are close-knit, well integrated, highly functioning, and sufficiently resilient. Aging nearly normal families are the same. Aging family members can communicate well enough. They accept differences of opinion as an inevitable, normal part of decision making or, in some cases, as opportunities to expand their individual thinking, thereby enabling them to make better-informed decisions. They lock arms they encounter a crisis.

However, when they face the crisis of their aging parent needing care, healthy aging family’s become dysfunctional. Never expecting this, although they were already involved, they are stunned by the crisis and forced into action. Adult Children are caught in the vise grip of an elder’s deterioration, or supporting a progressively disabled older relative. These baby boomers can be confronted by the exhausting overload of long-distance care. This, never-before-experienced stress forces them to work as part of a team to help the older person. They are usually a team but this new life transition is not welcomed like the birth of a baby or a wedding. They know how to move from the role of a Mom to a grandmother. But facing a role of a parent to their parent leave them in terrifying uncharted territory with no GPS.

Read the new chapter on care managers working with the nearly normal family in an aging crisis. Get the new Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 4th edition now– or out in Kindle on Amazon in November (to keep up with technology)

Aging Mom Won’t Cook On Holidays – Who Will??

December 6, 2014

As we approach the holidays, we can see where the nearly normal family faces frustration and anger with a dependent older parent. We will use the brisket and the Rugelach to illustrate this point. If an elderly Mom was always a devoted parent, in her role as the head of family rituals (as most mother’s are), she probably always made the Crème de la crème of the Hanunkah ritual- the brisket

But what if in her aging decline can’t make that brisket anymore? Someone has to take over not just making the brisket or chocolate Chip Cherry Rugelach but be the new head of the family ritual, which is so much more than just a brisket or rugelach. It could be making a menu, assigning dishes to bring- running the show.

When Mom is dependent and can’t run that show?Adult children can be resentful and even angry. Mom always took care of this brisket and us. Now one of us needs to take over this ritual and all rituals plus take care of her. The parent that nurtured the family now not only need nurturing herself but the family must reorganize and get a new chef for the brisket, baker of the rugelach and on a meta level – shift the roles that the parents filled to themselves. This can be gut wrenching. To the nearly normal family and make them angry, aggrieved .Why? It is a whole shift of balance in the family and change is difficult for all family systems.

This is a good time for the nearly normal family to talk about having a family meeting after the holidays how to handle a parents’ decline as a team. It may be a good time to have a geriatric care manager , facilitate that meeting that may include adult children’s feelings, resentments, should Mom or Dad move or age in place —and how to make a plan work together as a family team.

When Does the Nearly Normal Family Morph to Dysfunctional?

Aging Mom Won’t Cook On Holidays – Who Will??

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