holidays with aging parents Archives ⋆ Cathy Cress

Why Does the Nearly Normal Family Melt Down Over the Holidays ?

December 9, 2018

Granddaughter hugging grandmother while making a cake together in the kitchen

Many aging families are healthy or a nearly normal family But discovering they must care for a parent can force them into a tailspin. When the parent figure in the family begins to suffer the losses of aging, a filial crisis occurs.

What’s that-? That is accepting your parent in the here and now. When a Mom or Dad is no longer the north stars they were to the family, midlife adult children need to learn to learn to balance parental love and duty with independence. These midlife kids must create a two-way relationship instead of the parent sending, love, money and nurture only one way. This can throw adult children in a nearly normal family into a parental panic.

Nurturing and care have always been a one-way street – ending with them. Were they selfish – no? That’s what good parents do- nurture their children through all the stages of life. However, this new stage takes a two-way street.

The healthy nearly normal family is also thrown off balance by a shock to the system- someone has to replace the Queen or King bee. The person who took the lead role on the family stage has not shown up or forgets their lines. On the holidays they don’t decorate the Christmas tree, forget the words to the blessing on Chanukah, the recipe for Latkes or their famous

Christmas sugar cookies.

Now the adult kids must make the Christmas cookies, Latkes, lead the Chanukah prayers or host Christmas. Many are reluctant to step up to the plate, take over the work of a ritual- be the head of the family

At this giant pause in family play, the family system, even in the normal family must face the loss of control in the system because the parents or parent figures usually have that control. When they can no longer manage on their own, or function as the main gear or guide that moves the family system forward, even the normal spins out of control

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Can Blue Blue Christmas and Hanukkah Come From The Aging Brain Losing Power ?

December 4, 2018

Many aging families have a Blue Blue Christmas or Hanukkah, as Elvis predicted. Why does an aging crisis occur so often during the holidays? Why do so many desperate adult children get care managers on the phone and howl about Mom or Dad? There are a million bad reasons, – too much alcohol, too many folks who do not get along and drink that alcohol. But the physical basis for all of this misery in elder is often a loss of executive function and IADL’s.

It takes IADLs- (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living) shopping ( walking IADL), Climbing ( getting all those decorations out of the attic), grooming ( Mom can be found – in a “messy ensemble” at the feast) by the older person in charge of the holiday to pull it off. Then add depression to the aging stew – widowhood, lonliness and you have the challenges to an elder, usually the woman in the family, in managing this entire titanic ritual.

The holidays in aging families can be a disaster for another neurological reason. Mom or Dad’s Executive Skills have crashed just like a computer.

Executive functioning involves the ability to organize, plan and carry out a set of tasks in an efficient manner. It also includes the ability to self-monitor and control our behaviors and multiple other cognitive functions and to perform the goal-directed behavior. It can be described as high-level thinking skills that control and direct lower levels of cognitive functioning.

Planning for the holidays takes those high level thinking skills -to execute and carrying out 25 different major tasks according to a study in the UK- Just think, planning a specific holiday ritual menu,( brisket and latkes or popovers and beef prime rib )- then shopping for it cooking it, planning the ritual items in the celebration – a menorah and

Hanukkah bush , Christmas tree, and creche, buying them or getting them out of storage on and on.

This why we may end up with burned brisket or turkey.

This is a massive event/ planning job taken on by one woman usually and as executive functioning power down in her brain- the computer-, which is our aging brain starts to crash- the result- the family freaks out because Mom forgot the ritual steps.

That’s why we need aging life or geriatric care managers to help divide the tasks when Mom cannot do this any longer

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5 Steps to Take if Adult Kids Call After Thanksgiving Reporting A StepMonster at the Feast

November 12, 2018

A baby boomer daughter may spend Thanksgiving at her elderly Mom and stepdad’s home. The couple married late in life. If so -the 50’s daughter may join now midlife steps siblings at the celebration but decide the new Mom is a Stepmonster.

What if the elderly remarried couple, who are increasingly frail, have problems that everyone notices?

The turkey’s half cooked, Mom’s beautiful clothes are dirty and she has not been to the hairdresser in what looks like weeks.

Who helps Mom and calls an aging life or geriatric care manager?

Late-life remarriage can bring challenges to these through these newly minted stepparents and stepsiblings. Eldercare is one. If any group of stepsiblings disagrees about money spent Mom’s eldercare or resulting diminished inheritance, there can be hell to pay. Money becomes a big issue with adult siblings on both sides for aging parents who find a new love of their life.

Differing points of view can explode into a battle over money power and legal rights.

If you are an aging life or geriatric care are you ready to face these dilemmas when the adult daughter calls?

Not just remarriage in late life but elderly partners living together are showing up at Thanksgiving dinner. According to Pew Research, that the number of people over 50 who cohabit with a partner rather than marry jumped 75 percent from 2007 to 2016.

In fact the single greatest predictor that a marriage will fail is the presence of children from a previous marriage or relationship. It might surprise us. But the truth is that the divorce rate is 50% higher in remarriages with children than in those without according to a Psychology Today article called Stepmonster

Adult children can sabotage the new older partner when by noticing a decline in the elderly parents and calling a geriatric care manager to evaluate- when they really want the professional to be the bad guy and get rid of the new love or stepmonster.

Here are 5 steps you can take-

I evaluate capacity in the older parent – the elderly parent has a right to choose if they are mentally clear.

Suggest an elder law attorney

Evaluate the adult children’s point of view to tease out the real issues

Suggest a family meeting with a skilled facilitator or mediator

Refer to adult protective services if you suspect a sweetheart scam or undue influence on the part of the adult children

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5 Ways to Tame the Turbulence of Holiday Meltdown in Aging Families

During the busiest season for care management referrals-

You Will Learn:

How to give hope to frantic children who call, after seeing their aging parent struggling with the rituals
How to sell services during intake, to desperate adult child callers
How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
How to use financial forecasting to prepare for growth during the holidays
How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays
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Do you Need 10 Alarm Bells As Copy to Attract Long Distance Clients During The Holidays ?

October 23, 2018

We are creeping up to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah. Long distance family members from nearly normal families will call in the highest volume in the next 2 months. As they have been seeing their parents over time they know Mom or Dad face a decline and they themselves are probably reaching burn out from constant travel and caring on top of their own work-life demands

If you use social media, do a blog or newsletter, you can proactively offer a list of alarm bells that they can look for this holiday season that would trigger engaging your services. This is top rate marketing to get new long-distance clients, who do not see subtle changes as they live far away

You can use this list in your copy so long distance adult children can assess their parents or older family members during the holiday season and compare notes on a post-holiday or right away-then call you. Below is a list of red flags. If they see any red signals on Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or face them on Christmas-encourage them that is the time to do something about it by hiring a care manager. You can give them this is a checklist of some worrisome they may seen.

Alarm Bells List for Visiting Long Distance Relatives During the Holidays

Unpaid bills

Missed appointments

Clutter in a home that was once always neat

Weight loss

Memory loss, change in short-term memory

Poor grooming by a person who was once meticulous

Getting lost

Wandering

Refusing to go with friends on outings or to religious services

refusing any suggestion or conversely agreeing to everything without consideration

Mood swings, getting angry when normally easy going

Refusing to go to medical providers

Not taking care of activities of daily living: cooking, bathing, dressing, housekeeping, etc.

Entering contests, credit card maxed out on shopping channels

Set up a meeting when the midlife adult children return from the holidays. You have helped them proactively, begin to engage your services. Learn more tips at my newest webinar

Join me in my new free Webinar

5 Ways to Tame the Turbulence of Holiday Meltdown in Aging Families

During the busiest season for care management referrals-

You Will Learn:

How to give hope to frantic children who call, after seeing their aging parent struggling with the rituals
How to sell services to desperate adult child callers
How to use GCM tools to contain Holiday chaos
How to use financial forecasting to prepare for growth during the holidays
How to work with both dysfunctional and long-distance families who call during the holidays
- Sign Up for Free Webinar

15 Red Flags for Holiday Visit With Aging Parents

December 24, 2017

It’s almost Christmas and time for the family visit with older relatives. If you suspect festive cheer with aging family could devolve into some scary scenes, here are some red flags to put in a checklist and share with your midlife siblings before the holiday celebration.

Perhaps your older parents have piles of junk mail, dirty clothes, unwrapped gifts when Mom used to shine through her color-coordinated presents. All are cause for the sibling 911 alarm- then action.

You can use this list to assess your parents or older family members during the holidays and compare notes on a post-holiday conference call. If all midlife siblings have the same criteria, it makes easier to agree what to do and what to flag as family New Year’s resolutions.

Below is a list of red flags. If you saw any of these problems on Thanksgiving or Hanukkah or face them on Christmas- now is the time to do something about it. Use this is a checklist.

Alarm Bells List for Visiting Long Distance Relatives During the Holidays

Unpaid bills
Missed appointments
Clutter in a home that was once always neat
Weight loss
Memory loss, change in short-term memory
Poor grooming by a person who was once meticulous
Getting lost
Wandering
Refusing to go with friends on outings or to religious services
refusing any suggestion or conversely agreeing to everything without consideration
Mood swings, getting angry when normally easy going
Refusing to go to medical providers
Not taking care of activities of daily living: cooking, bathing, dressing, housekeeping, etc.
Entering contests, credit card maxed out on shopping channels
Recent fall

When midlife adult children return from the holidays, the family can have a family meeting alone or with an aging professional and look at the problems on everyone’s the list, agree on the top red flags and start helping the long distance family.

Don’t wait till you and your midlife siblings are shocked out of sleep by late-night calls from brothers and sisters, frantically telling them of a crisis with aging Mom or Dad. Don’t force yourself and the other adult children to book last minute, high-cost flights, and gather in scary, sterile hospital rooms with brothers and sisters they have not really communicated in years.

Call an aging life or geriatric care manager for help

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