Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

If Estranged— Midlife Siblings Face Draining Hourglass

Like a draining hourglass, time is running out on the aging family stage. If severed ,the midlife sibling connection to help aging parents has finite time left.

The midlife family’s play will run only so long before the curtain closes. Death stalks the cast and will pick off the characters one by one and someday shut down the performance. Vulnerable to that drawn curtain, it is important for midlife siblings resolve brother and sister breaches before a chronic illness or sudden death takes a parent then the  sibling and leaves them none but regret.

Midlife brothers and sisters can come through for us in a million ways. If we move, they are the family members who most frequently help us pack, drive the U-Haul, and give a hand in the upheaval. When we retire with sheet cakes and cheap champagne, the biggest toasters can be siblings.

If  elderly parents are moving, downsizing or relocating to warmer climates, siblings are there to help us parcel out family treasures, sort out the collected furniture and decades of junk, working with us as a team to help get our parents to the new location.

Siblings are stellar partners in this sometimes-overwhelming adult child task. If we become disabled or are ill, that sibling air mattress can reflate on a dime, and brothers and sisters are among the first people we can call in a health care crisis, to do everything from going on the web to find resources to coming to our home and nursing us back to health.

A potential victim of that emptying hourglass, forgiveness is crucial as we age. If the sand runs out before ruptures are repaired, the warped family pattern just appears in the next generation. Passing on impoverished sibling models deals a bad hand of family desolation to the next generation, passing on hurt, rage, resentment, and unsutured gashes.

As care coordinators, Aging Life or Geriatric care managers can stitch these brother and sister wounds back together, by referring to counselors and MFT who specialize in aging.

Find out more about midlife sibling in my Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 4th edition in the Nearly Normal and Dysfunctional Family Chapters.

What’s the Plan for Aging Parent Post Holiday Hospitalization When Siblings Barely Speak?

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Especially after the holidays and in January elders like all of us, tend to get sick. But unlike younger people,they more likely to  end up in the hospital  If seeing your adult  siblings  did go well in December- things can get worse in January. You  may be shocked out of sleep by late-night calls from brothers and sisters frantically telling each other elder parent is hospitalized .This may be a nasty introduction to sibling caregiving
Adult children are often forced to book last minute, high-cost flights, and gather in scary, sterile hospital rooms with brothers and sisters they have not spoken to in years. Siblings might stare starkly at each other, then have to face doctors and social workers who may ask the family to make excruciating decisions about Mom and Dad.
At times we avoid going to see our aging  parents because of sibling wars. We want to
shun that sister who bossed us around when we were kids, because she is still telling everyone what to do.
The big sister who always took care of everything may take on the bulk of the responsibility, while her little brother, out of habit, may let her do so unquestioningly. Beware of that magnet pulling you back to childhood. Those roles can be very counterproductive, especially in an aging parent emergency like a hospitalization.
Avoid that scene over an aging parent’s hospital bed. Work on midlife sibling forgiveness ot at least communication before a parental emergency  and make sure , even if sibling do not get along , everyone has emergency information for family, local hospital and how to get emergency plane tickets or a designated sibling, in a a parent emergency
Call e mail, text , do facetime, skype siblings now with and make a plan to care for aging parents
Set up a Family Meeting to make a plan
Call a care manager if you feel you need a mediator and help with a plan

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