Siblings Archives ⋆ Page 2 of 16 ⋆ Cathy Cress

With Dorian’s Carnage- Do You Need a Midlife Family Meeting for Aging Parent Disaster Plan ?

September 3, 2019

What is MidLife Sibling Hurricane Nightmare

The catastrophic disaster of Hurricane Dorian unleashed on the Bahama’s and heading to Florida should conjure up a midlife sibling nightmare. It brings back the goblins of Katrina -the most gruesome weather cataclysm where 39 elderly residents died, trapped or abandoned in retirement centers and 1400 elder overall died in Katrina’s watery wrath.We just plunged into possible horror again. On Dorian’s heels we may have more hurricanes with hurricane season upon us, and global warming making them , like catagory 5 Dorian, monsters storms. This should terrify adult children enough to take emergency action to protect their parents.

Midlife Sibling Need Emergency Disaster Plan for Aging Relatives

This recent confluence of hurricane deaths and hurricanes looming right now, should be a deafening roar in the ear of midlife siblings that they need to convene a midlife sibling disaster plan family meeting to protect any aging family members-, no matter where your elderly parents live or what level of care. You need that disaster plan because older people are more likely to die in catastrophes than any other population. As I pointed out in my last blog, just because they are often in a facility in a facility or alone and too frail to escape .Katrina and Irma tell us perhaps they are more in peril.

So before another hurricane, tornado, earthquake, flood, or any disaster hits, you need to have a midlife sibling family meeting to come up with a disaster plan for aging family members

What would be the agenda of that midlife sibling disaster family meeting?

If your loved ones are in a FACILITY- do not trust the facility to handle the situation. Look at what just happened in Irma.

1)Get a copy of the facilities disaster and evacuation plan.Compare it to state regulations. If it does not include calling the family before the disaster, consider moving your loved one or make sure that is changed.

2)Appoint a sibling to be in charge of reading the disaster evacuation plan and be the contact person.

3)Call your state facility licensing body and find out the state regulations to see if they match the facilities- CCRC, Assisted Living or Nursing Home

4) Have a telephonic family meeting before the disaster if possible

5) Make sure the state requires backup generators for heat and air conditioning- a flaw in Florida’s regulations in Irma

If the loved one is LIVING AT HOME alone or with an adult child.

1) Create a disaster plan for the older person. This would map out what each sibling and family member needs to do

2) Create a disaster team. This would include every adult siblings all over the country, family nearby, caregivers and neighbors.

4) Include someone on the team who can carry heavy objects like wheelchairs.

5) Name a substitute caregiver if the regular one can’t get there.

6) Make an evacuation plan for your aging family member’s house. Where is the nearest Red Cross shelter

7) What disaster supplies do you do you have on hand? Get list from your local Red Cross

8)Find out how many people do you need to make the move to safety or a shelter?

9) Put all of the above in writing.

10) Share a copy your disaster plan with everyone. E-mail copies to everyone on the family disaster team including all adult siblings, neighbors and friends.

11) Get everyone’s agreement especially midlife siblings and the older person. Be a unified disaster team.

12 ) Call a geriatric care manager to manage the plan or help you create it with your elderly parents, if you live long distance. They can do the heavy lifting, can help moderate a family meeting- can research state laws, be there in a disaster immediately, create and implement a disaster plan for your parent, that you approve and can be part of.

Professionals check out the chapter “ Preparing for Emergencies” in my Handbook of Geriatric Care Management fourth edition,

Professionals Check out my book Care Managers Working With the Aging Family, Jones and Bartlett, with its chapter on Family Meetings and the Aging Family by Rita Ghatak, director of Stanford’s Aging Program.

7 Tips to Make Labor Day Midlife- Sibling Stress Free

August 28, 2019

Happy Labor Day.

If you are working with midlife siblings to solve elder care issues and they are attending a Labor Day barbecue-

Here are

Suggestions to make the ritual of Labor Day – a holiday to be enjoyed by midlife siblings and their families – not dreaded like the annual Thanksgiving dinner where Mom burns the turkey and your uncle gets drunk and sings.

Here are 7 tips to help them keep the Labor Day heartburn free without a midlife sibling to build a midlife sibling team over aging Mom and Dad issues.

1) Don’t discuss politics. In this era of the Trump presidency with so many families at odds over President The Democratic Presidential Race ,Trump, the Russian hacking investigation, DOMA, the building of the ” Mexican Wall ” –politics can be lethal to families. Spare siblings, and guests. This is bloodier than the civil war with so many kin at opposite poles. So keep it positive and light or just plain pass the time of day. And whatever you do, don’t drink too much and forget the ban on politics.

2) Remember that it is a family gathering and it is not “all about you”.Suggest keeping a positive attitude for the sake of aging parents, if they are there, and kids, who will model bad sibling behavior when they face parent- care in the future

3) Call email or Facebook, Evite everyone ahead of time. Ask everyone to bring a dish to share. That is the beginning of building a sibling family team- sharing food. Call every midlife sibling and family member. Do not exclude. Again to build a team effort.

4) Attempt to get all midlife siblings to plan activities ahead and jointly work to make them happen-with a sibling team spirit. Think of softball games, horseshoes, and a treasure hunt, anything that everyone can have joint ideas about beforehand. Use Facebook to do this- hopefully, all your siblings are your Facebook friends.

5) Arrange to split the bill for beverages like alcohol and soft drinks, again sibling team effort. Remember to go light on alcohol because, like the recent Houston explosion caused by hurricane flooding, alcohol can detonate sibling warfare.

6) Share jobs- setting up tables, bringing in equipment for sports or games, lawn chairs- especially ‘manning” the barbecue. (Sisters can cook too) Share it and don’t let anyone be top dog –be the chosen chef, unless everyone is fine with that.This is again modeling a sibling team about helping an aging Mom and Dad.

6) It is a party, not a sibling family meeting. If you want to talk about personal issues, make a date in the future to get together with your angry sister/brother.

7) Don’t make this a family meeting where old sibling grudges get hashed out.It is a holiday.

IF you are an ALCA member or GCMCheck out the chapter ” Working With Adult Aging Siblings” by Cathy Cress and Kali C Peterson in Care Manager’s Working With the Aging Family – for a deeper dive into how to work with midlife siblings around aging parent care.

Also, you could apply this to any labor day gathering with siblings and just leave out the aging parent issue.

HAVE A HAPPY LABOR DAY

How is a Geriatric Care Manager a Care Connector With Mid Life Siblings ?

July 15, 2019

We are creeping towards to August which means often seeing our midlife siblings at more summer vacation events. At times we are estranged from midlife sibling or we are polite at a family gathering but there is no real connection.siblings

Aging life or geriatric care managers are care connectors. They cannot do everything themselves for the family , like be the best geriatrician, accountant or home health aide nor do they have the skills to do that. What they have is the skill to connect to the right resource, like a geriatrician , elder-law attorney , support group or home health aide, especially for a family caregiver.

Emotional resources can link a circle of care for the direct family caregiver. These emotional supports could and should include adult siblings .Siblings are the longest and deepest relationship in any person’s life. Reconnecting midlife or aging brother’s and sisters, through the circle of care, is a critical GCM task but to achieve this, the care manager may have to depend his clinical skills in helping siblings with forgiveness or reconnecting siblings who live long distance.

Midlife siblings have often spent the last 30 years tending to their own families .So the point of reconnection with middle aged brothers and sisters often happens when they are still working or just retiring — unexpectedly thrown into a crisis in parent care.

This is where the GCM needs to have clinical skills to can help with healing this sibling disconnection-often short circuited by an old sibling wound that helping the sister and brother work together as a circle of care . You replace the shorted fuse in the fuse box.

If the family is dysfunctional, the care manager becomes a care connector and links the right resources that might include an mediator who specializes in aging families or a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in Aging (hard to find)

If you are a geriatric care manager or therapist,you can find chapters on mediation, working with the nearly normal family and dysfunctional aging family, siblings, family meetings and care connection. Handbook of Geriatric Care Managers 4th edition

It may be 4 months away till Thanksgiving but a an aging parent crisis could happen tomorrow. Reach Out now.

Red Flags for Long Distance Siblings Inquiring About Services Before the Summer Visit.

July 9, 2019

Checklist Midlife Siblings Holiday Visit to Aging Parents

Do you have adult children inquiring about your services before the they make a summer visit to grandparents ? Here is a Check List of 10 red flags for danger to share with long distance midlife siblings for their mid- summer visit to aging parents? A midlife sibling summer or visit to elderly parents to can be bitter or sweet or it can be just plain scary. Ask them to call you when they return and you can set up a meeting with all the siblings to discuss care.

The frightening part often happens when you haven’t seen an aging Mom or Dad for a while. If midlife siblings live long distance, making an occasional visit can set off alarms, especially if they find aging Mom or Dad has gone downhill . Then a geriatric or aging life care manager is just the perfect answer. Let them figure this out with your geriatric care manager Sherlock Holmes guidance and clues to find your value.

Curb Appeal – Does your Dad’s home look more like an unmaintained rental? Is there disrepair, a weedy yard, uncleaned carpets or furniture?
Housekeeping – Are there dirty dishes, unwashed sheets, a mess where things used to be tidy? Does the house look like it needs a scrubbing, or at least someone to help with cleaning?
Medication – Can you find a stash of outdated medication in the bathroom, bedroom or anywhere? ➢ Driving – Is driving with your older Dad frightening? Ask him to drive you somewhere. How is his reaction time, or judgment? Can he drive at night? Does he have traffic tickets? Assess the car. Is it worse for wear, dented or are there telltale signs of accidents?
Trash- Are there bags of trash in the basement or out back? Look in closets.

Collections- Are there growing collections that appear to be out of control, of newspapers, magazines, old sports memorabilia, ashtrays – any accumulation that appears to be taking over space and looks excessive. This is a sign of hoarding
Shopping- Take him out shopping or out to a meal to celebrate the day. When he does shopping or pays for a meal, does he have problems with checks, credit cards, figuring tips, or calculating discounts? Does he forget his wallet or other important personal items he should have with him?
Change in Behavior- Is Dad quiet when he used to be loud? Is he paranoid, having mood swings, unsocial when he used to be the belle of the ball or life of the party?
Odors- Did you smell urine? Must? Mildew? Dirty clothes or dishes?
Refrigerator- Are there science experiments, aka moldy food in the refrigerator?
Unpaid Bills- are there piles of unpaid bills in drawers or in your loved one’s desk. Are their notices or gas or electric turn offs? Search their desk and perhaps, in you have access, look at their bill pay account.

If any of these clues turn up trouble, you should set up meeting vis phone or in person to talk your midlife siblings about the problems discovered and set up a family meeting via Skype, in person or a family conference call.

For More professionals can Read Care Manager’s Working With Nearly Normal Families- Working With Long Distance Care Providers in

Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 4^th edition

6 Ways to Thank Your Employees Taking On Call While you Celebrate the Holiday

July 1, 2019

We just passed Memorial Day, when we celebrate summer’s here with our friends, loved ones, family. But what about your employees this 4th of July coming up ?How will you thank the very people that power your business and profit and may be on call for you then ?

“Truly, from bosses I liked, anything was great because I appreciated that they thought of me. From “bad” bosses, anything would annoy me. You can’t make up for being a jerk with a token of any kind once a year.”

Ideas for inexpensive but really appreciated gifts for Care Managers and staff– cards to grocery stores or department stores, a gift certificate from Amazon all given with a nice personal handwritten note.

Staff Thank You Gifts All Year.

You need to bill 85% of your client hours. When a care manager does bill’s 85% write them a handwritten thank you note being grateful for having the amount of productivity to keep the business thriving. Handwriting is not a lost art. It sends a message that you take the time personally to really care what the employee does for your business.

2. Send a handwritten thank you note to each staff member during the year to applaud something they did. Saying thanks about something specific may be the ultimate reward. If you do it selectively yet authentically, a thank you note may be pinned above your employee’s desk for years. Create a formal letter recognizing your employee ’s achievement. Sign it and use the company’s seal to give the letter something extra. If you really want to do it right, frame it.

3. Name an employee of the month in your newsletter with their picture. Give them a gift to tell them you are grateful for their hard work. Create a formal letter recognizing your employee’s achievement. Sign the letter and use the company’s seal to give the letter something extra. If you really want to do it right, frame it too.

4. Have an employee summer picnic and give gifts to all employees for being such excellent care managers and for billing the 85% you need them to bill so you will all have employment.

5.Plan employee picnics, birthday parties, anniversary parties to thank them publicly throughout the year.

6. B.J Spitler , one of the first and I might say the greatest care managers, founded Age Concerns in San Diego in 1982. She gave gifts of massages to her care managers. A brilliant gift, a massage recognizes the tough emotional work that care manager’s do and their need to take care of themselves- which you as their employer are doing.

Give Thanks to Employees- Throughout the year.