Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

Do You Compare Siblings in Your Young Family?

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Don’t make comparisons between two siblings. It can set up sibling rivalry in the future and cause parents unnecessarily worry in the present. My daughter Kali has twin boys and they are developing at different rates. They both crawled and walked around the same age but one twin talks a mile a minute and the other does not talk. This has caused parental anxiety that is not necessary, as a speech therapist told Kali. The talking twin is talking for the non-talking twin. He just needs more one to one time and some exercises that the therapist showed Kali and her husband.

 

But in the future, as siblings age, these comparisons of this can leaded to sibling wars 40 years in the future. Parent’s recall and say out loud, who got the first tooth, who walked first, who rode a bike first or who did better in school -subconsciously pitting siblings against each other.

 

As siblings grow up and reach midlife, after they have raised their own families, baby boomer siblings’ come back together. Midlife siblings celebrate family rituals, socialize together and critically care for aging parents. Deep-rooted sibling rivalry from early comparisons between siblings can cause estrangement begun in early childhood. Deep down in the sibling psyche, these feelings of sibling rivalry have sprung from comparisons the parents made decades ago.

For anyone who has read East of Eden, or seen the iconic James Dean film you say see the brutal battles that play out later in life from early sibling comparisons. This unintended consequence of early parenting creates alienated siblings who can’t form that sibling team to socialize together or work as a team to manage aging parental care.

So calm your parental present and give your young siblings a future without sibling’s rivalry- don’t make comparisons.

 

 

Parenting Twins- You Need Father’s More

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Young families today need to involve Dad’s more my daughter Kali and husband Dan have 14-month-old twin boys , born here in Redondo Beach (LA), Ca. . So I would like to dedicate this blog to Dad’s of twins and offer a few important things that Dad’s need to do to support twin siblings.

To say the least –if you are the father of twins, you need to give to extra support to your wife- much   more than you do with the birth of a single baby. Raising twins is grueling all along the way to maybe ages two or three – 24/ 7 with two babies, two feedings, two diaperings huge loads of laundry and two exhausted parents. After three I suspect there are new overwhelming duties to divide.

Twins, turn your life upside down. If you are or your wife are type a -get ready to switch to type C or D. Twins hit your house like an earthquake.

 

Through tension and fog of bleary-eyed stress- there is a very good rule of thumb for Dad’s of twins.  Both the Dad and Mom must show respect for each other, remember they love each other and work as a team.

 

My daughter and her husband Dan play tag team with their twins Dylan and Liam.

Kali works all-day and so does Dan. They have a nanny three days and family coverage on other days as the Murphy family lives nearby. My husband is also here for two months this summer and I come down every 10 days from Santa Cruz, Ca.

 

Both Dan and Kali care for the twins as soon as they get comes from work, because it takes a parent team to get dinner, play, bathe and get two babies to sleep. Dan reads them to sleep every night with Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer. I love that.

 

Both Mom and Dad get up at night as needed. You need 4 arms to manage twins at this stage.  Both Dan and Kali put those schedules together as a team and change them together as more or less family is available.

 

Now that’s just if you simply have twins.  In spite of the tsunami that has hit your life, if you have new twins, plus other kids, you as a Dad have to offer the whole young family, a secure. nurturing environment.

 

It can test any relationship to the limit. So Dad’s need to keep romance alive and strengthen their relationship as a couple by keeping channels of communication open through all the stress. Children learn from this openness and gain respect for themselves and others by the way their parents interact. My husband and I are babysitting tonight so the parent’s can go to a much-needed party.

 

So involve Dad’s more especially new Dads of twin siblings and congratulations to my son in law Dan for being such a wonderful new Dad.

Are You Giving Your Kids Bad Sibling Roles?

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In any play or drama, there are always standard roles like a leading man, a heroine, a villain, and a minor character or two. Families can have central casting as well. Parents usually assign roles to family members. These roles include the oldest, which can be a bully or sometimes the child with the most responsibility, like ,babysitting younger siblings, a job that may have a real negative impact on siblings

 

There is the classic role of the youngest, which is the baby and often the favorite.

 

Because gender is often the elephant in the family living room, the role of the boy can often be the most valued while the role of the girl is very undervalued.

 

The parents’ favored sibling could be the role of the oldest, the smartest, and most educated, or even the most challenged brother or sister.

 

Families have patterns, much like a piece of fabric. These threads are sometimes a map of the family genome. Roles can be a GPS to help us decipher these filial directions.

 

Parent your children so that you are raising sibling brothers and sisters in harmony. Spot sibling relationships that sound like chalk scraping on a blackboard. This screeching sound can come up from roles gone badly. An example is the role of the oldest gives that child too much responsibility and acting out.

 

Roles gone bad can pummel a parent’s ears when your daughter feels that you favor the brother or have less expectation of her as a girl than you do of your male children

 

It can screech when you favor the baby, which many parents tend to do.

Harmony is more than a sound. It is difficult to slug it out, bully, or emotionally batter a person whom you really care about. Caring for your brothers and sisters and being kind to them is the first lesson we give our children. Our relationship to other siblings is our initial experience being sensitive to the other children we play with and even how we engage with our spouse and children in the future. That relationship is built on sibling roles.

 

A mom or dad’s role is one of facilitating harmony among your kids. You are not here to make them act in accord but to create the conditions that result in a comfortable relationship among them. This means really being aware of roles you have your kids play as siblings.

 

You can’t have power over every action taken by each child, but you can shape his or her relationships. That means being aware of sibling roles you create.

 

Allow the oldest child to do things for the youngest without burdening him or her. Allow the girl to have equal opportunities as the boys. Don’t give the youngest everything when you were spare in your gift to the older siblings

 

Be aware of sibling roles you ascribe. They really matter is in creating a harmonious family.

 

Watch this you Tube from my Mom Loves You Best Channel on roles for more tips.

What Type of Sibling Are You?

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Find out what sibling category you fall into from Beloved,Buddy, Reliable or more dangerous sibling categories, Listless, Seethng , Irate. Where are you on the scale of sibling love?

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