Cathy Cress

Expert in Aging Life and Geriatric Care Management

What Happens When You Must Replace the High Priestess ( Aging Mother) of the Holiday ?

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What happens when an aging mother cannot be the high priestess of the holiday planning?

Why is she the high priestess. Hanukkah and Christmas are really high holy days. Women are traditionally in charge of planning these events that according to the UK can take up to 24 major tasks.  Women are to organize the entire ritual, get religious instruments- menorah, crèche Christmas tree- all symbols of returning light, plan the ritual menu, shop for it and set a large table with their best china for the high holiday meal . Then they get out all the boxes of holiday decorations, bedeck the house, make a Christmas or Hanukah gift list and then – shop for all gifts, invite (or leave out) guests or family. Set the table (have all the ritual china and decorations)

Organize games or ceremonies. And on and exhaustingly on.

 

When girls get married they get silver and china that’s usually get stored away and comes out of the dark cabinet for rare occasions. No one tells them that at 50, 60 70, there will be a critical use. Those dishes and silver are used to take over the holiday from their failing Mom who used to be the high priestess but cannot manage anymore or just wants to let go of it all because it is a mammoth overwhelming task.

There is a missing ceremony is our world and that is passing on the role of high priestess to a younger woman in the family who will take over.  It is called succession. But the transition is usually in a crisis with an aging Mom, not planned for, discussed and left until the floor falls through or Mom’s in the emergency room. The transition of power is not gradually made to accommodate the aging high priestess and rituals  that provide the glue to the continuity of the family.

 

 

Find out more in my book, Care Managers Working With the  the Aging Family  ,chapter  “Dependency and Loss “

 

Holiday Reminiscence With Older Client’s-Boosts Family Ancestry

 

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The holidays are a time for ritual gatherings. Families get together, eat, and drink and share Hanukah or Christmas meals. Along with the ritual potato latkes or the Christmas cookies, there are older family members who sometimes tell the same story over and over. This drives some crazy, or they just write it off to that dotty Aunt Kate and repair straight to the kitchen.

Or they say to themselves, Mom can’t help herself, yes Dad’s a little bonkers, but I have to hear his war story for the 100th time.

 

Help your clients think again—these stories just might be of great value to their family and their own grandchildren. The holidays are a perfect time to capture the old family tales. What family members might be able to secure, if  as a family decide to really listen and ask questions, is a part of their family history and valuable ancestry data, told by a narrator who is  is fading.
Old age is a time of reviewing their life, playing that movie for themselves and others. The story is sometimes really heroic.

 

At times older people use stories to deal with loss. Loss is their constant companion. Elders lose spouses, friends, roles, homes and treasured items that they pass on to their.

 

This holiday season might be a time to have them tell the story about some of those tchotchkes or valuable knickknacks. Maybe it’s their moms Santa collection or dreidel, still kept lovingly in the customary gathering place for the holiday dinner. Maybe it’s a Christmas ornament. This is called the art of reminiscence.That story becomes a family treasure that can be attached to the ornament and passed down generation after generation with each holiday.

Here are some suggestions to capture these elder holiday stories to pass on to adult child clients.

Get in the right mindset.  This doesn’t have to be some huge, time-consuming undertaking.  It can be as simple as getting out your smartphone and talking to Grandma on Christmas Eve. 

Explain why this is important.  Some older adults who grew up on “Mother taught me never to talk about myself” might need some gentle persuasion.  I “No one would want to read about me!”  Say the grandchildren do.If they are there- have them say it.

 

Find a quiet place.  Have your conversation in a quiet, comfortable place without distractions.  If you are recording a conversation with your smartphone, make sure it is fully charged.  Plan to spend at least an hour in conversation, then take a break.  Make sure you talk about this ahead of time with your loved one.  That way they can start thinking about the past before the interview.  (Old photos and letters are great memory sparks, or family movies if you have them.)

Get it in writing.  Recording or filming is a great way to do an interview, but make sure you transcribe it so you don’t risk losing it to fast-changing technology. Once the interview is transcribed, find a safe place to store it and make a few copies for other family members.  There are many online platforms to create books, but a Word document in a file folder will suffice.

Tap resources.  A great source for interview questions can be found at the StoryCorps website:  https://storycorps.org/great-questions/.  If your loved one has memory issues, tell them you are going to ask them a lot of questions and you don’t expect them to answer all of them.  Be an engaged listener.

 

 

Handbook of Geriatric Care Management has a chapter that covers reminiscence written by care manager, Nina Herndon.

Supporting Client’s Quality of Life: Drawing on Community, Informal Networks and Care Manager Creativity.

You as care manager can use quality of life at any time of the year.

Watch my You Tube Video on a Quality of Life Assessment 

 

 

 

 

Red Flags for Long Distance Siblings Inquiring About Services Before the Holiday Visit.

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Checklist Midlife Siblings Holiday Visit to Aging Parents

 

Do you have adult children inquiring about your services before the rapidly approaching holiday? Here is a Check List of 10 red flags for danger to share with long distance midlife siblings for their holiday visit to aging parents? A midlife sibling Christmas or Hanukah visit to elderly parents to can be bitter or sweet or it can be just plain scary. Ask them to call you when they return and you can set up a meeting with all the siblings to discuss care.

 

The frightening part often happens when you haven’t seen an aging Mom or Dad for a while. If midlife siblings live long distance, making an occasional visit can set off alarms, especially if they find  aging Mom or Dad has gone downhill . Then a geriatric or aging life care manager is just the perfect answer. Let them figure this out with your geriatric care manager  Sherlock Holmes guidance and clues to find your value.

 

  1. Curb Appeal – Does your Dad’s home look more like an unmaintained rental? Is there disrepair, a weedy yard, uncleaned carpets or furniture?
  2. Housekeeping – Are there dirty dishes, unwashed sheets, a mess where things used to be tidy? Does the house look like it needs a scrubbing, or at least someone to help with cleaning?
  3. Medication – Can you find a stash of outdated medication in the bathroom, bedroom or anywhere? ➢ Driving – Is driving with your older Dad frightening? Ask him to drive you somewhere. How is his reaction time, or judgment? Can he drive at night? Does he have traffic tickets? Assess the car. Is it worse for wear, dented or are there telltale signs of accidents?
  4. Trash- Are there bags of trash in the basement or out back? Look in closets.

 

  1. Collections- Are there growing collections that appear to be out of control, of newspapers, magazines, old sports memorabilia, ashtrays – any accumulation that appears to be taking over space and looks excessive. This is a sign of hoarding
  2. Shopping- Take him out shopping or out to a meal to celebrate the day. When he does shopping or pays for a meal, does he have problems with checks, credit cards, figuring tips, or calculating discounts? Does he forget his wallet or other important personal items he should have with him?
  3. Change in Behavior- Is Dad quiet when he used to be loud? Is he paranoid, having mood swings, unsocial when he used to be the belle of the ball or life of the party?
  4. Odors- Did you smell urine? Must? Mildew? Dirty clothes or dishes?
  5. Refrigerator- Are there science experiments, aka moldy food in the refrigerator?
  6. Unpaid Bills- are there piles of unpaid bills in drawers or in your loved one’s desk. Are their notices or gas or electric turn offs? Search their desk and perhaps, in you have access, look at their bill pay account.

 

 If any of these clues turn up trouble, you should set up meeting vis phone or in person to talk your midlife siblings about the problems discovered and set up a family meeting via Skype, in person or a family conference call. 

For More Read Care Manager’s Working With Nearly Normal Families- Working With Long Distance Care Providers in

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Handbook of Geriatric Care Management 4th edition 

Coaching Long Distance Care Providers on Reducing Stress

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Break the Tradition

Coach Long Distance Care Providers to reduce their stress by sharing the care .Instead of having 10 family members or friends’s  guests at their parent’s home  for a holiday dinner ,hint they might try a different tradition. Suggest that someone else like a friend or another family member host Passover or Christmas dinner or get an invitation . Or all go out to a holiday dinner and take the care receiver there.

Use the web

The Internet is a fantastic way to shop for food and gifts before leaving home to visit your family member. Another way to shop from home is using catalogs (many people feel uncomfortable about putting credit card numbers out in cyberspace). If they would rather go out, make lists of specific gifts for each person. If they shop at their parents, get respite from family and friends to have time to themselves  to shop and have a meal.
Don’t Overindulge

The motto “Everything in moderation” should be their guide through the holidays. There are many temptations abundant throughout the season—alcohol, sweets and rich food. Suggest they go ahead. Have some. Just counsel to not over-indulge.Hangovers and acid reflux makes the stress of traveling and caring so much harder.

Create Inner Calm with Exercise
Encourage them to try to keep up on your regular exercise routine, or start one, during the holidays. Walking five times a week is a great way to stay in shape. There is also something about pounding the pavement that helps release frustrations and clears your head. New apps like the I Phone’s Stepz  It makes walking a fun way to see how you are taking care of yourself. If your looking out your window and the snow is flurrying and drifting, find an alternative. Even when they visit their family member, perhaps ,get a temporary membership and many health clubs have indoor tracks, yoga classes,. If that doesn’t appeal to them,  yoga, walking, some calming exercise can be done  during their visit.
Get Respite
Ideally caregivers should have a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly break.
Daily-Half an hour of yoga, meditation, needlepoint, reading, etc.
Weekly-A couple of hours spent away from the house at the mall, library, coffeehouse, etc.

Help Long Distance Care Providers get respite with great care sharing site like Lotsofhelpinghands

Do a Caregivers Assessment

Doing a caregiver assessment of the long distance caregiver before they leave for the holidays will allow you to help them even more to relieve their stress. Read Assessing and Supporting the Family Caregiver in Handbook of Geriatric Care Management, 4th edition.

Find out more tip through AARP 

 

 

Give Hope to Long Distance Care Providers This Holiday Season

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Care Managers give hope to frantic adult children when they desperately call them this holiday. These professionals give great relief to some of the most desperate adult children , the ones who live long distance. Every day is a turbulent holiday for these exhausted baby boomers because they are constantly, flying driving, visiting and caring for their aging parents in another town.

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